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A good marital relationship should be one which is fun and exciting. It should not really be one where you look smothered or underappreciated. There is no reason to bury yourself under a pile of laundry or a pile of soiled dishes. The good news is that it will be possible to build a romance that is equally exciting and fulfilling.

A good matrimony may be the result of a long-term effort. It is important to pay attention to the big picture rather than the small stuff. This is done by creating a good work ethic and adding the time and effort into building the romantic relationship.

There are numerous good qualities of an good matrimony, but the best types are based on trust and respect. These qualities make it possible for both companions to be honest with one another, and also allow the marriage to work in the long run.

愛情裡面的兩個要點不外乎：

1、你愛不愛他？
2、你委不委屈？

就這麼簡單，如果你對他的愛可以蓋過所承受的委屈，多過你們之間的衝突和差異，如果你願意替他犧牲一些事情，因為你知道那個愛大過於你付出的東西，整體上來說你在這段關係裡面是滿意的。儘管你們經常爭吵、諸多不合，但由於他能給你的從別人那裡無法獲得，所以你甘願為他做出這一切，因為在這樣的關係裡面，你可以看見快樂的自己。

相反地，如果針對第一個問題的回答是像這樣：「我愛他，但是……」，那麼要不是你的愛是有條件的，要不就代表其實你並沒有那麼愛他，只是因為基於過往的習慣或者是放不下，所以為了避免自己認知失調，才說這樣的話。

試著想一想，在這段關係當中，大多的時候你是充滿不安、擔憂、痛苦、委屈，還是其實很多的時候你是快樂、自在、可以很安心的做你自己？

其實，不只是指涉伴侶關係。上面的這個「他」，指涉的可以是伴侶、朋友、可以是一段工作關係、同事和夥伴、可以是你的家庭和課業，也可以是你現在正在做的「事情」：你愛你現在在做的事情嗎？你有沒有覺得自己被委屈了？

2個閉上眼睛的練習

讓我們來看看前面這兩點分別代表什麼意思。在心理學上，「愛」可以預測關係滿意度，也就是說如果你越愛對方，你就越滿意這種關係，你可能聽過很多文章說過它包含親密、激情跟承諾，可是你知道嗎，有件事情比這一切更重要──就是前面所說的，閉上眼睛想一想，你喜不喜歡和他在一起的時候的你自己？那個時候的你，是充滿歡樂、有創造力、自在安全而且不需要擔心的，還是經常疑神疑鬼，怕東怕西，甚至想起他就是一種壓力？

接著，「委屈」這件事情意謂「在這段關係裡面，你是不是犧牲了某一部分的自己？而且這個犧牲並不是你自己想要的」。

研究顯示，如果是這樣的話，你大概會在這樣的關係裡面經歷許多憂鬱的負面情緒。但比起前面這些，還有一個其實只要捫心自問，很容易就可以了解的東西──就是你可以閉上眼睛問問自己：你跟他在一起的這段時間，你最近是變得越來越喜歡自己、呈現出更多不同的自我面向（self-expansion），還是變得越來越討厭自己、自己的力量和聲音越來越小了？如果是好的改變，這個改變本身又是否能從其他關係或活動中來取代？

透過問自己上面這些問題，或許你就會發現，一直以來那個答案都很清晰，只是你一直缺乏勇氣、做出決定而已。

分手了，還能彼此問候嗎？──不愛了，一點點的關心都是打擾。

同樣是關心，如果你跟一個人的距離很近的時候，是一種甜蜜，但如果你和他變得遙遠了，或者是你不再享受這樣的關心，那麼每一句問候都是壓力。

當然，還在彼此相愛的時候，也有可能會感受到對方「愛的壓力」，但如果不愛了，那麼就不只是壓力而已，還會有一種「煩躁感」，覺得「現在我的日子過得好好的，為什麼要來打擾我？」的感覺。

人際距離的改變

為什麼會有這樣的情形呢？以前的關心為什麼後來都變成壓力？對我來說，大概就是「人際距離」（self-others distance）的改變，以及「界線的調整」（boundary adjustment）。

根據亞瑟‧阿倫的經典自我擴張研究（Inclusion of Other in the Self），人跟人之間的距離會隨著互動和親密的增加，而越來越靠近。從陌生人、到朋友，漸漸的到朋友以上，戀人未滿，甚至到最後變成情人、無話不談的伴侶，其實上面這個過程就是透過人際距離的改變，達到心理距離越來越靠近的狀態。

然而，分開也是一樣的──當一個人不再想要和另外一個人的生活有更多的重疊時，除了身體距離的拉開之外，心理距離也會有一些改變。見面頻率、談話次數、話題深度等等，很明顯就可以感覺得出來。這也是為什麼，當對方想要維持某種距離但是你卻想要更靠近的時候，對方就會覺得「這並不是我想要的距離」，然後接著產生厭煩、壓力、甚至開始躲你的狀況。

界線的調整

一般來說，我們的界線是可以彈性調整的，面對越親近的人，我們會願意讓他進入更多自己的生活領域、黑暗面、甚至是不為人知的部分；可是當一個人已經不再如以前一樣讓你那麼傾心，那麼「保持距離」反而會讓你有種安全感。

你可以想像你身邊有一個防護罩，在他和你的關係很好的時候，這個防護罩的強度變弱了，他可以有時候溜進來，然後你依然覺得自在，你也喜歡這樣的感覺，因為並不是在所有的人面前，你都可以脫下面具。可是當關係變得不是那麼好的時候，或者是你想要有更多自己的空間的時候，你就會把這個防護罩所籠罩的範圍變得大一些，於是不論你到哪裡或者是跟誰相遇相處，為了維繫心裡面安穩的感覺，都會刻意和其他人之間留出一些空間。

換句話說，有些時候我們會傾向和別人保持距離來獲得安全感，有些時候我們會允許對方進入自己的世界而仍然覺得安心。不論是哪一種狀況，放入感情的互動當中來考量，都會牽涉到一種情形──當「你期待的距離」跟「對方期待的距離」不太一樣的時候，不舒服的感覺、負面的情緒就會產生。

然後你會試著去調整這個距離，讓對方回到你「覺得舒服的領域」裡（例如「朋友區」、「曖昧區」、「戀人區」或「家人區」）。可是如果「對方覺得舒服的區域和你覺得舒服的區域」不一樣，就有可能出現一個追一個跑的狀態，追的那個人想要回到原本比較親密的關係，逃跑的那個人想要離開現在這個讓他覺得「過分親密」的關係。因為對他來說，這樣的距離是一種窒息。

如果你發現自己的靠近為對方帶來壓力，那麼或許對方期待的心理距離，和你想要的並不一樣。而如果你發現自己的關心已經變成了對方的壓力，或許也是時候該好好考慮，你渴望的關係跟他渴望的關係，是不是同一種關係？畢竟，勉強自己或者是勉強對方在一段委屈的感情裡，並不會帶來更好的結局。

當你重新考量，到底是一個人或者是兩個人會讓你覺得比較自在，或許你終於會明白，關鍵並不在於兩個人是不是在一起，而是你有沒有跟自己內心真正的渴望在一起。

不論是戀愛對象、已經感情穩定的伴侶，甚至是同床共枕的夫妻，每一天都還是要面對與對方相處可能產生的碰撞和摩擦，有些時候我們稱之為「磨合期」，以為過了就會好，而事實上磨合期是沒有期限的，就在你以為已經夠瞭解對方之際，下一個前所未有的問題可能又在轉角等著你。

結婚，是一件相當赤裸的事，每天跟另一半朝夕相處，做什麼事都在同一個屋簷下，不管再怎麼藏，到最後都還是會看見最毫無保留的彼此。他或許會比妳的家人更常看到妳，也會比妳的閨蜜更貼近妳，但，就算他跟妳如此親密，卻有可能不是最瞭解妳的人！

最常聽到姊妹們在抱怨著自己的另一半，怎麼會在一起那麼久，連我不吃蔥這件事都忘？真的是豬隊友！巷口麵店的老闆娘看到我就知道，根本不用開口提醒；我最討厭洗澡時把頭髮弄濕，為什麼他Shower完老是不把花灑調回蓮蓬頭，害得我總是在沖澡的時候被噴得滿頭都是？一件事講了一千遍他還是不懂？是真不懂還是裝傻？他到底愛不愛我？在不在意我啊？

如果這樣的事情一再發生你會怎麼做？再一次原諒？還是直接吵起來？以為只要結婚了，對方就會變得在乎妳？別想太多了，那是不可能的！

曾看過一篇文章，分享在愛情裡不需要勉強自己去當個好人，更不需要逼自己變成壞人。

男女交往的時候，就算是一件很小的事情彼此都有可能過意不去，這必須經過溝通、磨合，慢慢找到雙方的相處方式。如果長久下來都無法達到共識，表示他或許真的沒有那麼適合妳，更不用說會去在乎妳，尤其常常為了一些小事吵架就更要留意，可以看得出來他不太會站在妳的立場替妳著想，勸妳不要太執著，往後這些事情只會變本加厲地折磨著妳，千萬不要以為自己可以當好人隱忍。

你很愛他沒有錯，但長期這樣吵下來，再愛都不愛了，或許妳可以試著接受，但如果一段感情在一開始就需要忍耐，到最後只會把自己逼成壞人，開始去計較一些沒有建設性的問題，這樣不歡而散也是遲早的事。

兩個相愛的人，會去在乎彼此的感覺，甚至為了和對方一起生活而努力地慢慢改變，絕對不會是只有單方自行吸收，所以不要傻了，我們要追求的是一段長久穩定的關係。

在愛情裡必須勇敢，大膽地去磨合，去試出屬於你們的節奏，真的有摩擦也能更了解彼此，久了自然就會培養出默契而避開彼此的死穴，也因為愛著彼此，才能在深思熟慮後願意為對方退讓，找到平衡好好過日子。

一輩子很長，越真實的妳才越能找到真心愛妳疼妳的人，先試著讓對方了解妳，再慢慢觀察他到底在不在乎妳，但千萬不要連自己都放棄自己！這是需要練習的，先從第一步開始，面對現實吧！

每個人一天需要作出上百個選擇，從早餐吃什麼到該選擇哪一種投資方案，其實一個人所作出的每個選擇，都可能和「情緒」息息相關。

物理學家 Leonard Mlodinow 從另一位物理學家 Paul Dirac 的故事中得到啟發：本來宣稱自己的生活「只關注事實，而不是感覺。」的 Paul，一直以來都以邏輯和理性投入領域研究，直到他遇見了她活潑熱情的妻子，大大地改變了他的生活，也讓「情感」走入了他的科學研究。

物理學家 Leonard 受到 Paul 的故事啟發，將「思考」和「情緒」這兩個看似天秤兩端的概念運用自己在的研究及著作中，他用「心理學」和「神經科學」的專業論證了：情緒對人類的身心健康來說，和理性思考一樣重要。

曾和 Stephen Hawking（史蒂芬・霍金）合著過兩本書（《時間簡史》、《大設計》）的 Leonard 博士，在最新著作《Emotional: How Feelings Shape Our Thinking》中，巧妙地以「科學研究」驗證情緒如何形塑一個人的思維，從「理性」的角度來細膩地分析「感性」，正是這本書最耐人尋味之處。

情緒成熟的人，會把「情緒化」轉變成有智慧的「情緒話」

「理性」協助在日常生活中做出各種策略及管理思想；而當決定哪件事情應該優先處理、花多少時間投入某項事情時，時常是「情緒」在影響著目標的設定和分配投入比重。

而在這本書中，Leonard 博士也提出了實際可運用的「情緒管理策略」，充分地了解自己的情緒並能夠有智慧地掌控他們時，「情緒」反而能提升工作表現。

1. 重新評估「情緒」：一位研究人員發現，最好的工作者是那些了解壓力等情緒的重要性，而不否認它的人，他們甚至願意回顧自己過去的表現，告訴自己：一次失敗並沒有讓自己的職業生涯陷入困境。

當情緒湧上心頭，可以試著回過頭來檢視導致情緒的原因、情緒的種類（憤怒、失望、同情⋯⋯），認識並了解自己的情緒從何而來，就能夠更正面地處理當前的情緒。

2. 適當地展現「負面情緒」：不少人或許會認為，在職場上輕易地展露自己的情緒是件不成熟的事，而默默承受了許多不必要的壓力或情緒。無論是面對面或以文字的方式傳達訊息，其實適度地向身邊的人釋出情緒訊號，反而能獲得意想不到的回饋或收穫，例如了解到身邊的人也曾有相同感受，或是可以如何換個角度思考問題。

從實驗室數據到精彩的書中實例，Leonard 博士分享了「情緒」能夠如何為生活帶來正向影響，讓人類與生俱來的能力得以發揮最大的優勢，在職場上有更出色的表現，也過上更有品質的生活。

心理學研究指出，一個人帶給其他人的感受是連貫一致的，甚至是可以量化的，研究人員把這種感受稱為「情緒風采」（affective presence）。

這個概念最早由賓州大學華頓商學院艾賽克福特（Noah Eisenkraft）和美國聖路易華盛頓大學艾佛拜恩（Hillary Anger Elfenbein）提出。兩人將商學院學生分組，並讓他們在同一學期內修一樣的課，課程上必須做分組報告。然後，每一個人必須對組內其他人評分，看看每一個小組成員帶給自己多少壓力、是否無趣、多常惹怒自己、會不會讓你哀傷、有多大的程度帶給你安定感、讓你放鬆、快樂或是熱情滿滿。

商學院教授艾佛拜恩說，研究顯示，每個人的存在都帶著一種情緒特徵，而且這種情緒跟情緒感染力無關。

所謂的情緒感染力是指，當你心情不好時，身邊的人情緒也跟著受到感染。比方說，你很生氣，結果讓跟你要好的人也同仇敵愾。但「情緒風采」跟情緒感染力無關，換句話說，你討厭一個人，不是因為他現在情緒不好、他現在很機車，而是就算他笑容可掬，還是蠻惹人厭的。

不意外的，具有正向「情緒風采」的人，會是社交圈裡比較核心的人物；另一個與聯誼有關的研究也發現，正向「情緒風采」的人總是吸引更多人想跟他配對。

組織行為學教授馬卓伊德（Hector Madrid）關注的問題則比較偏向，主管的「情緒風采」如何影響團隊成員的表現。他和研究團隊發現，正向「情緒風采」主管領導的團隊，更願意分享資訊，而樂於分享可以帶來更多創新。此外，下屬也更樂於跟正向「情緒風采」主管分享自己的點子。

「提出創新點子其實某些時候是有風險的，因為這代表你覺得現存的機制有不完美的地方，於是你想挑戰，」馬卓伊德說，「多數人不見得願意開誠布公分享自己的想法，除非他們覺得安全、自在，這時候主管的情緒風采就扮演很重要的角色」。

但究竟哪些行為會構成負面的「情緒風采」呢？或者更白話地說，哪些行為會惹人討厭。研究並沒有說明。但或許與肢體語言、聲音語調，或是能否當個好的傾聽者有關。

馬卓伊德建議，有些人的「情緒風采」很強烈，特別正向或特別負向的都有，這還有待日後研究去挖掘。但馬卓伊德和艾佛拜恩都認為，這多多少少都跟情緒調節有關。

一個人的情緒會在一整天當中上上下下，有時候興奮，但不知什麼時候又煩躁起來。但問題是，「你能否調節你自己，不要讓情緒影響他人？」、「你有沒有辦法平滑地處理自己生活中的噪音，讓這些噪音不要影響別人？」